【我親愛的Zoom視訊客人們】
To My Dear Zoom Clients
我忍了真的⋯⋯真的⋯⋯很久，今天過後實在忍無可忍，一定要叮嚀所有過去和未來的客人們。
我年紀很大了，受不了太大的刺激。
拜託，你們可以Zoom好來嗎？😓😑
一、Zoom視訊的視角 = 拍護照照的視角
護照自2020年起就已成為古董，但大家這一生應該有拍過證件照吧！
對了，就是要頭髮整齊，讓我看到你的雙耳、雙眼、鼻子、嘴巴、頸項和肩膀，到胸部。
我批八字時，需要看整個面相。不要讓你一半的臉掉出鏡頭外，這樣很像鍾無艷，也不要嘴巴不見掉，這樣我很像在跟一條羅漢魚視訊。
我看面相包括看你的嘴巴、牙齒和說話時的嘴形。是的，看相就是需要那麼仔細。
如果你的螢幕太低，那就找書本或舊報紙，把螢幕墊高一點。別讓我整一個小時半只看到你的雙下巴，會把你的面相比例給看錯。
不要一直告訴我不好意思，方法是人想出來的。
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二、光線
太暗，我看你如見鬼。
太亮，我會看不清你的膚色。
拉開窗簾，不要背向陽光。
有必要的話，就直接開燈！
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三、勿放什麼椰樹沙灘/金門大橋的虛擬背景圖
什麼虛擬背景圖都不要放啦～
我的家美最重要，我不在乎你的家美不美，我只是來看命的。
如果你的Wi-Fi不是很強，電腦功能不是很厲害，這類的虛擬背景圖會讓你的視訊畫面卡卡的。
有時你轉個身，整個右邊不見了，或部份的頭髮少了，讓我覺得我好像在看恐怖片，嚇人啊～
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四、環境和聲音
有些海外客人其實非常用心。為了與我視訊，特別去買有麥克風的耳機🎧，讓我能更清楚的聽到他們的聲音。😍
沒有使用耳機和麥克風的客人，往往他們的聲音會有種空氣般的回音，如果他們本身講話又小聲，我的耳機聲量開滿，我還是聽得滿辛苦的
也有香港和馬來西亞客人租過會議室、鐘點房間或單人工作室，就是為了不受家人的干擾，能安心的與我視訊。😍
最有趣的是，去年新加坡阻斷措施時，有位男客人跑到屋外的走廊坐在地上與我視訊。只是外頭風聲有點大，我好幾次都聽不清楚他的聲音。
曾有客人在咖啡廳與我視訊。咖啡廳裡的高談闊論聲和器皿的敲擊聲，頻頻從我的耳機闖進我的耳朵，哇～我的耳朵那時真的是活受罪，還要裝一副氣定神閒的樣子。
天啊，兩次過後，我寧願退錢，也不再見這樣的客人了。耳朵只有一對，我要保護好啊！
在這裡聲明：一般我們買手機時的那種有麥克風的耳機，就已能視訊。沒有戴耳機和麥克風的客人，我一概會拒絕諮詢，把費用原銀奉還。
五、孩子
曾試過諮詢的前20分鐘，一直被女客人的小孩打擾，進來哭著要媽媽主持公道。
如果你家中有六歲以下的兒童，會時不時來敲你的門，我建議你還是先別約我。你這樣會分心，無法聽好我交代的事，而我也得一直等你去安撫你的孩子，就無法在限定時間內看完你的八字，這樣對誰都不公平。
六、我只見客人一人
這個規矩，從我一出道就定下來，也清楚的寫在網站上，根本不用一而再的來試探水溫。
但這兩個星期，還是有客人硬闖關，事先安排自己的配偶/孩子坐在電腦的另一面，要他們聽我講他的八字。
我從不改我的規矩，也沒有八字或風水是我非看不可的。
讀書這麼高，連自己的命都不能自己負責，這已經不是能改到命的人了。
你一定要你的配偶陪你聽，那你需要的不是我來教你改命，是你的配偶來安你的心。
將來若還有這樣的事，我會直接中斷視訊，把錢退回去。
七、「我第一次用Zoom！」
可是從報名那天到今天的諮詢，你有兩個月的時間去摸索。
兩個月，怎麼還是錯誤百出？因為客人根本沒有事先準備和練習。
結果我就這樣等了20分鐘，還得等對方下載軟件。
Zoom不難使用，但如果是你沒有花時間去摸索，就不要撒謊，直接說，我就直接退現錢。
品德是改命的資糧，不要為了自己能脫身就隨便編一個漏洞百出的謊，還說自己是好人。這...不會臉皮太厚了嗎？
小事都不願做好，絕對不會成大器。
八、暈車
有些客人用Ipad或手機來視訊。
重點是，他一支手拿著手機，一支手拿筆寫筆記。他一邊寫，另一支手就一邊搖晃。他做在床上，移動一下，手機就彷彿大海嘯幾下🌊
我一天如果見三個這樣客人，我的視線就搖晃了5個小時。工作完畢後，頭也會痛得厲害，無法完成晚上製片的工作。
沒有自拍器三腳架，也應該有些書本或東西來頂著手機。
各位，多點善心，為我著想一下吧⋯⋯
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To My Dear Zoom Clients
I have been enduring it for a really really long time. That's it! I am gonna put a stop to this after today and send out this reminder to all my past and future clients.
I am getting on in years, and cannot stand too much stimulation.
Please.... can you guys do a proper Zoom?
Number 1: Going on screen in Zoom = Taking a photograph for your passport.
Since 2020, the passport has become something of an antique but I believe everyone has taken some kind of ID photos! Yes, the ones with your neatly combed trusses where I can see both your ears, nose, mouth, neck, shoulder all the way to your chest.
I would like to see your full face during the Bazi Consultation. Please don't allow half your face to fall off the screen and you end up looking like Zhong Wu Yan! Please also don't hide your mouth making me feel like I am talking to a Arrowana.
When I analyze your facial features, it includes your mouth, teeth and the shape of your mouth while you are talking. Yes, it is down to such level of details.
If your PC / Laptop monitor is too low, please find a book or old newspapers and stack it on top. Please don't let me only see your double chin for that 1.5 hours, as I would probably get the proportion of your face wrong.
Don't keep telling me you are apologetic. Think of a way out.
Number 2: The background lighting.
Too dark, you risk looking like a ghost.
Too bright, I cannot figure out your skin color.
Draw open the curtains, but don't face your back to the sunlight.
If necessary, just turn on the lights!
Number 3: Background images of coconut trees on sandy beaches or the Golden Gate Bridge.
There is no need to put on a virtual background. I only care about how my hone looks, I am not bothered by yours. I am only here to see your Bazi.
If your WIFI signal or your PC / Laptop performance is poor, using the virtual background can often make your Zoom video choppy. Sometimes when you turn your body, one side of your body or some part of your hair will disappear. It's really like one of those spooky movies scaring the wits out of me.
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Number 4: Background environment and noise.
Some of my overseas clients really put in effort for our Zoom sessions. They bought a headset with a mic so that I can hear them properly and vice versa.
Those that did not use a earphone or a headset often sounded echo-ish, and if they spoke softly, I would have to turn on the volume on my side full throttle and still have a hard time trying to hear them.
There are some clients from Hong Kong and Malaysia who would rent meeting rooms, hotel rooms or private work spaces by the hour so as to reduce any disturbance from others and better focus on the Zoom session with me.
I recalled an interesting incident during the Circuit Breaker last year. A client from Singapore Zoom-ed with me along the corridor outside his house. Most of the time, I was hearing the howling of the winds rather than his voice.
Some clients sat themselves in coffee places for our session. These places are often filled with loud chatters and the clanging of cups and plates, and my ears suffered terribly. Yet, I have to continue to be seen as composed and attentive.
Goodness me, after 2 of such experiences, I decided that I rather refund these clients and never see them again. I have only 1 pair of ears and I want to protect them at all costs!
A normal earpiece that comes with the purchase of a handphone is good enough for Zoom video calls. For clients who do not have a earpiece/headset and a mic, I would end the consultation and refund the monies.
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Number 5: Children
There was once where a session with a female client was repeatedly disrupted by her kids, running in crying for their mother to settle their quarrels. If you have children below 6 years of age, and likely to interrupt our session, I suggest you don't book a consultation with me.
You will be distracted, unable to focus on my advice and I have to wait for you to clear up the situation with your children, eating into the allowable time for me to complete the consultation. This is unfair to both you and me.
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Number 6: I only meet one person, that is the Client.
I have set this requirement the day I stepped into this line of work, and it is clearly written in my booking form. There is no need to try your luck under any circumstances.
But in the space of 2 weeks, there were some clients who rode their luck and got their spouse / child to sit on the other side of the screen to listen in on our consultation.
I never change my stance, and there is no single client that I cannot afford to lose.
If you insist to have your spouse sit in, it is apparent that you do not need me to help transform your destiny. Rather you really need your spouse to put your heart at ease.
If such things happen the next time, I will end the session immediately and refund the fees.
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Number 7: "My first time using Zoom"
But you have 2 full months to prepare before our actual consultation. You did not end up wasting time exploring the software and I wasted 20 mins waiting for you to download the software.
Zoom is an easy software to use but if you did not spend the time to familiarize yourself with it, please quit the lies and tell me directly. I will refund the consultation fees on the spot.
Our moral ethics serve as the foundation for our transformation. Stop weaving web of lies to get out of sticky situations, and still claim that you are a good person. Isn't this too thick-skinned?
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Number 8: Giddy spells
Some clients use Ipad or their handphones for the Zoom session. Crucially, they hold the device with one hand, and take notes with the other. As they write, the other hand holding the phone becomes shaky. If he is doing that on his bed, his handphone would shake like a tsunami wave every time he changes his position.
If I see 3 such clients within a day, it would be 5 hours of shaking visuals for me. That would mean a splitting headache at the end of my work day, and not being able to work on my videos at night.
Even if you don't have a tripod stand, at least prop up the device with a book or something.
Please everyone, please be kind and have mercy on me......
sit down please意思 在 [討論] 粵語的與龍共舞- 看板HK-movie 的推薦與評價
這部是我的最愛之一 >///<
看到東成西就的討論串中有板友問到與龍共舞是怎樣的，
剛好手邊有粵語版，就來PO一些對話，看著電影寫的，有點長 囧。
電影一開始，米田共…喔，是Martine 鞏，跟龍家俊在公司很狗腿的那段，
沒有什麼不同，只有「有品味」那句是「有taste」。
(香港人似乎習慣英文混雜在其中，(畢竟當了很久的英國殖民地)
像家有喜事一開始程大嫂跟常騷說結婚當人老婆沒薪水那段，
還有四個好色的女人，Chanel跟Dino在廚房煎蛋那段，都混雜英文。)
回到龍家俊的家：
黛娜剛sopping完說「混蛋」的時候，我是聽不出來其它說什麼，但是聽到「仆街」
而且黛娜是從廣州來的，不是從北京 @@
龍母：「上面的人中意用語助詞嘛！」
「很難改的，黛娜，哦？」
黛娜：「是啊！我很少說ㄏㄢˇ家鏟的」 （國語版是：去你媽的）
（我打不出那個字，只好音譯。請問↖這句粗口是什麼意思呀？）
國語版的的「Mix egg=混蛋」，在粵語版是講仆街，至於英文，龍母講的我聽不懂 Orz
「Your mother's gone=去你媽的」，也變成「ㄏㄢˇ家剷=All family dead」(?)
「His grandmother=他奶奶的」，變成「頂你個肺」。
原來粵語跟國語髒話部分不同，那就不知道國語版是誰想出來的，
很好笑還流傳多年耶，那個人真是功德無量(咦?) XDDDDDD
接著是偷渡那邊，
吳愛港：「我叫吳愛港，就是我愛香港」，這段沒有變。
鹹蝦叔：「周星馳跟周潤發什麼關係？」，這段也沒有問題。
說到名字，月光的好朋友，國語叫「漂漂」，粵語是「靚靚」，中文算意譯。
另外史公子（他姓史，名叫公子）會說的不是四川話，好像是國語(?)
仍然是因為嫖妓被公安抓住 XDDDDDDDDD
打麻將那段：
摸額頭是筒子、摸耳朵是萬子、摸心口是索子，一二三四是比手指
乍看之下沒什麼，可是這幾句的粵語有押韻呢~
接著大陸雞跑去警局找鹹蝦叔求救，
鹹蝦叔：你乾脆說你是王永慶好啦
大陸雞：我不是王永慶，不過他是我朋友
鹹蝦叔：白痴
港版：
蝦叔：你不如說你是李嘉誠。
大陸雞：我不是李嘉誠，不過他是我朋友
蝦叔：憨居 (第一個字ㄨㄥˋ，我只好用憨來代替)
果然不是王永慶，而是「為什麼我老爸不是李嘉誠」中的李嘉誠!!!
國語是「咿咿哦哦」，粵語也是「咿咿哦哦」。
可是禮服原本是義大利名師「Sit Down Please」設計的，
香港版是 義大利名師「GGVGG」(?)幫她設計的，
不知道那句GGVGG有沒有什麼意義?
要不然還是覺得Sit Down Plaese比較好笑。
以上，大概就這樣，後面有(?)的地方是我用聽的，不是很確定。
該怎麼說呢，國語、粵語都有獨特的笑點，只是要順應當地的民情罷了，
不過既然是港片，我還是會期待聽到粵語原音 >///<
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